Thursday, December 30, 2010

To you, my 2010

This year is almost over, and thinking back I don't think I have ever had a year as influential as this one.

Not only did I grow up, but something in me changed. I look at the same old places, the same house, the same dorm, the same rooms, streets, and campus, but I see them differently now. I look at my friends and my family, thinking everything's different, when really its just me. Its like watching a movie when you already know the ending, suddenly everything's clear, you notice things you didn't before, like your eyes are opened and you're not jumping into your life blind.

God opened my eyes this year, he opened them through my family, my parents who are the most amazing people I know, through my friends the ones who left, the ones who came back, and the ones I just met. He taught me to love like its the last day because you never know when those will sneak up on you. He taught me not just to talk but to listen, to control my emotions, and that sometimes being the a little crazy is okay. He taught me that I am strong, I always have been, and that the way I live my life is hard, but he wouldn't have given it to me if he knew I could not handle it. Because living big means you fall hard, and he taught me how to get back up again.

God gave me the tools to become a woman, something I thought I was but in reality I had no idea what I was doing. He tested me, taught me lessons and let me teach some of my own, but still humbled me because I have so much more to learn.

This was the year I crashed figuratively and literally, the year I hated and loved myself all at once, the year he took people away from me because I needed to learn who I was without them, the year he showed me that I am a leader, and he made me that way.

I laughed harder, and cried more tears than I ever have. My heart broke with sorrow, and burst with happiness, I lost my temper and I swallowed my pride.

Everything that has happened has made me who I am at this moment, and this year has been packed with memories, the realization that life is short and yet so so long, the hardest parts of growing up.

And at the end of it all, I hit the ground, because even through everything, the strongest and toughest girls still fall. I learned a lesson from myself this year too, I am breakable, and even though I don't break easy it happens. I'm slowly picking myself up, and maybe by next year I can say that I made it through one of the hardest, loneliest points. I don't know how to fix myself, and I guess thats a part of learning, is finding out on your own how to solve the puzzle, because no one else can help you with your own life.

So now after 2010, I'm looking ahead because there is so much more to go, and so much more to say. Everything I didn't say still hangs over my head, all the I love yous that never made it past my lips, even though they were in my heart. I'm still confused and I still have a long way to go, but right now I'm just living in the moment like I always have, and hope God will take me where I need to go. Maybe by the end of 2011 I can say I am content, instead of drowning.

To you, you who deserved more from me, I am sorry I let you down. I am selfish and when you needed me I ran away. I will miss you more than you know and I will never forgive myself. To those who listen to me, and see all of me I am sorry for the hurt I cause when I lose myself in the sting of anger. And thank you for your wisdom and your time, I could not do anything without you. To my best friends, I'm sorry I forgot to ask for help, and I'm sorry I didn't help as much as I should have. I am selfish and cruel, yet you love me anyways, and even though none of you are near me you still take the time to be there when I need you. To my brothers, never grow up because your innocence and blind love gives me the strength to love myself. You are perfection because you see the world that way. To my sister, don't make my mistakes, you are so much more than you see yourself. To my brother, I hope you find what you're looking for, and know I am always on the other side of the mountains. To my parents, thank you, and I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter that I should have been. To my friends, my faith family, my brothers and my sisters... you are God to me, and without you I would lose myself.

and God, thank you for your lessons, your love, your wisdom, my life, and this year.

Saturday, December 25, 2010


This was my first Christmas away from home, and up until now it has been horrible.

I miss the biscotti and cocoa, the fire, the laughs and inside jokes, the tiny tree and the kris kringle gifts that we always try to guess and always get wrong. I even miss the fights and the anger that always comes from someone who pouts, usually me.

This morning as I watched my cousins open their presents, I thought back to all those Christmases, when there was magic in the air in my mother's christmas CD we knew all the words too because we played it every year, in the decorations, the homemade ornaments that made our tree unique, different from anyone elses. When we felt the glow and excitement of waking up in the morning to find presents under the tree. It was almost like every Christmas everyone got along perfectly, because everyone was happy.

The thing I remembered most was the presents, especially the ones my parents got for us all to share, those were the most expensive. But it wasn't about the stuff anymore, and now I realize why it was okay to them to break their backs working and spend all their money to bring us something worthwhile. It was the look on our faces, the same look I now see in my brother's faces as they open their gifts. It was the chorus of thank yous, and the fact that this year was going to be a little bit easier, funner, or better because of what they gave us.

I still remember every gift, and now thinking back I can recall why it was that we got them. The thought put into each present choice was apparent, and the love that went into giving I still see today. Whether it was the portable DVD player that made our long drives bearable, the scooters that made playing outside and taking long rides more fun, or the bean bags that we used in front of the TV, and even as toys to throw at each other and put on our heads to pretend we were mushrooms. I have a memory with each of those gifts, and many more, but it was never about the thing itself, even when I was a kid.

I will be eternally grateful for everything that I have been given this year and the years before. I used to complain that I never had what other kids did, lots of money and cool stuff, a big house, my own room. But now I realize I have so much more than that. I have a family thats big and crazy and loves me, I have parents that are still together that will do anything even if they can't afford it just so I can be happy and have a good life. I have a father that works so hard and still will drive to Long Beach if I need something simple. A mother who talks to me for hours, buys me food and always asks what I need when I go home. An older brother who will drive as much as he needs just to see me before Christmas, and will hang out with me over hanging out with friends. A sister who admires and looks up to me, and is my best friend through thick and thin, one I trust with my life and my secrets. And two little brothers who miss me and shower me with love and kisses and homemade gifts whenever I go home.

God gave me this, and I have had it every Christmas since the day I was born. The magic of Christmas, although it isn't the same anymore, is still there, and being on the other side and watching children open gifts instead of having others watch me, has been an enormous blessing in disguise. Because the stuff doesn't matter, its the love that came with my parents giving everything they had to make us happy.

Christmas for me now isn't about getting, its about sacrifice. And God sacrificed everything he had for the greatest gift of all, eternal life. I see God in my family even more than I ever have, and having them in my life is better than any gift I could ever give or get, because without them I would not be who I am today, without them I cannot imagine how life would even be worth it. So all I want for Christmas this year, is the magic of home.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Yesterday, I didn't feel anything.

It's been like that for a while now actually, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was the stupid book job, everything piling up at once, or that everything I have been ignoring and saying didn't bother me was finally starting to.

But this morning as I was walking to the Rec center after my music test, I started to cry. It was cool outside, and the sky was covered with a beautiful grey blanket of clouds, and all of a sudden, I felt a tug in my heart, like that physical pull you get when you get nervous or scared. And then the tears just came.

I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad, maybe it was the fact that I had just aced a test I thought I would fail, or that I remembered again that I am completely alone, or maybe all of it at once, and the realization that I was actually feeling SOMETHING it didn't matter what it was.

I don't know what happened to me these past few weeks. I wasn't myself. Maybe sometimes I'm crazy and ditzy and clumsy and mean and loud and a little bit too over the top... but at least I lived big. I take pride in that. But I've lost my passion somewhere along the way. I used to care about things, put everything I had into what I loved. But now I don't bother.

I think today was the first step in getting back into myself. I have a feeling its going to take a while, cause when I live I live big, and when I fall I fall hard. But I pick myself up, no matter how long it takes, and maybe I'll find what I lost along the way. Maybe...

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Monday, November 29, 2010


There are moments... when the world is quiet, and nothing moves... you look around, and you're completely and utterly, alone.

most of the time, when I am literally alone, I don't always feel it. And then there are times when I am figuratively alone. Those are the times I feel it the most.

It could just be a bad day, something lost in translation, or not even translated at all. Or it could just be all in my head.

Its a feeling that comes when you realize that the feelings that you have will never be reciprocated, and your the only one in the world it seems that knows whats going on in your head. When everything you thought you knew is wrong, and everything you wished would be wrong, is right. Everything spins and nothing makes sense, and then we scream because we want SOMEONE to hear us.

Its a selfish feeling. The realization, that even God has other people to love. And that you, don't have anyone.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

To Move Mountains

Tonight I arrived 15 minutes early to mass, and after a chat with a little girl from the children's choir as we waited in line for the bathroom, I sat down in the pew, listening to the sound of music from the loft, and reading the Sunday readings.

I sat there for a while, just thinking and enjoying the music. As the children's choir began to leave with their parents, I watched the small girl from the bathroom walk past me to the exit of the church, pulling on her sweater and walking briskly in front of her father. I watched as the girl stepped up to the tabernacle and knelt to pray, bowing her head and closing her eyes. Then after making the sign of the cross, she exited the church, carefully dipping her finger in the bowl to get some holy water. Her father, did nothing but walk out.

It made me sad to see this. The innocence and faith of the young has always inspired me, but what happened to the enthusiasm of the old?

As I watched them leave I vowed never to let myself get to that point, never to forget the importance of my faith, and the meaning it holds in my life now. I never want to lose that peace of mind that comes with knowing Christ is always with you, and everything that comes with that. I realized though, that I do forget, all the time. If it wasn't for God's little reminders, the moments of peace before mass, or the sound of children singing, and little chats in the line for the bathroom, then we would all just forget, and let chaos rule our lives 24 hours of the day.

Earlier today, I had sunk right back into my crazy hectic life. After a weekend of escape, nothing in the real world had changed, and I was thrust back into stress and work, without any rest. I remember thinking for a brief moment when my mind was not otherwise preoccupied, that it did not seem fair to have to jump right back into chaos, as if nothing had changed, while my heart was so different. It was like I was wrenched away from my peace with God, and put straight back into the fray of humanity.

But for that one moment before mass I was all right. I was back there, I was happy and peaceful. Even if it was just for that one moment. It was as if God was giving me this peace, to remind me that everything I do, I do it for those moments, no matter how small. And that I do it, so that other people can experience it as well, and find the happiness and peace that can only be found in his arms.

I need these moments to survive, these reminders to keep living and breathing for him, and him alone. If I didn't have them, I would probably end up just like that girl's father, who sees no meaning in entering a church, or passing the blessed sacrament on his way out.

I want the innocence of a child, every minute of the day, the simplistic life that allows you to follow blindly. Only children have the capacity to have faith that can move mountains, because their minds are never filled with doubts about what they are taught. It's in those peaceful moments I am brought back to my childhood, and it's those moments that keep me focused on God.

Monday, November 15, 2010

when hearts are green...

I feel as though I should write a post....
but I'm just so tired.
and there are no words to describe what I feel.

Only God can make a girl who never stops talking, speechless.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Nightmare of Ourselves

Its Halloween, and do you know what I just did? I watched the shining for the first time in my life. Bad idea. Although now I understand why people like to walk around wagging their pointer finger saying "redrum" in a creepy voice, regardless, I was scared shitless. Let me rephrase... I AM scared shitless. And now I can't sleep.

Why is it that people love Halloween so much? I have always wondered why it was that this holiday holds a certain intrigue for most people, one that I cannot say I have ever shared. Sure its fun to pretend, to dress up as something you're not that you have always wished to be, and pretend that you don't really want to be an Avatar, or a stripper cop, but that its Halloween and so its okay that you are.

But the real reason in my mind is the concept of fear. It's a thrill for people to scare themselves so badly that they can't leave the covers, but why?

Its because fear is physical. Its not a feeling you just have in your gut, or an emotion that makes you cry. You feel it in your very soul, it rips at your insides and pounds at your heart. People seek fear because, maybe, they just want to feel alive. If just for that one moment, you can actually feel your heart beating, its almost like you know that you're still there, that you still matter. That you can still feel something and your heart is racing and your hands are sweaty and all of a sudden you're aware of your breathing.

There are few emotions that can give you this feeling. Maybe its because we're always searching for answers about life, that we forget sometimes to live in the moment, and it is only then that we truly live. We look at our schedules and follow our clocks so often, that when something creeps up from behind to scare us, it jolts us awake, reminding us that we're not robots.

I think maybe thats why I seek fear. Why I have been waiting for something to show me that I'm not a walking statue. Sometimes I think I lose myself along the way, I forget the importance of love and compassion, and just a sense of where I belong. Sometimes I go so long without that physical feeling of emotion, the one that tears at your heart with a searing pain that cannot be described, that I wonder for a moment if I will ever be able to feel it again. That maybe, these thoughts in my head are merely automatic, devoid of emotion, and bordering on the mechanical. But then something comes along to jolt me awake, hit my heart, and make me feel it.

Its the physical emotion that keeps people guessing, keeps people searching. And when you have the fortunate moment where you discover it, hold onto it a little while, listen to your heartbeat, and remember for a second who you are and try to live up to that. Maybe Halloween isn't such a bad holiday. We all need a little scare now and then.

Anyways, Happy Halloween.

Friday, October 15, 2010

And the world ends.

Today, we ran out of decaf coffee.

Normally decaffienated is not the most popular kind of coffee, and why it even exists stumps me to this day. the point of coffee is to keep you awake, so why would you take out the very ingredient that makes that possible?

But rules about coffee aside, having run out the same day a guest at my work just happened to be wantin' some decaf, I was in for major attitude control.

Its the same thing every day over and over. I'm sorry I can't do anything about the fact that there is no restroom closer to your auditorium. I know the prices are high, but I can't change them. I understand you just bought that starbucks mocha latte frapp something or other, but we have a strict no outside food and drink policy.

Today, I was the girl who ran out of decaf coffee.

Every time one of these issues arises, I get someone else griping about the unfairness of it all and wondering why the world does not revolve around them. And today, when I said, I am so sorry we don't have anymore decaf I got the same look. A restrained anger and want to lash out, because someone was going to pay. And the thing that we always seem to forget, is that those people that usually do are the ones around us, who whether we believe it or not, have nothing to do with why we didn't get our way.

We have become so spoiled and consumed with ourselves that we feel a constant need to complain about everything that isn't a part of our "plan". We forget so often that sometimes, things...just...happen. And most of the time we have no control over those things. And neither does anyone else.

Whenever I encounter someone who seems to believe that if they yell and complain enough it will somehow make them justified, I have to stop myself from instinctively wishing bad karma on them. And every time I don't get what I want, I have to take a minute to breathe and refrain myself from complaining to the person behind the counter, who is only attempting to do their job.

My manager once said, that everyone should work in a customer service job, because the world would be such a nicer place. This is true, but sad. Why do people have to experience unkindness, before they can learn to be kind? It is a paradox that makes no sense yet is an aspect of the human nature that we can never escape from. Its a lesson we all need to learn, some more than others, but a universal lesson all the same. How we choose to live, with kindness or without is entirely up to us.

The world would be a nicer place if we could all just get along. But if that were the case, what would be the point of being able to smile at someone and say, "Have a good day", and know that even though they are walking away without any decaf coffee, they will take your words to heart, and maybe just maybe... it will make them smile.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Florence, Italy
Throw me into the chaos of something new...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Picking up the pieces

Everyday we pick up the pieces of our mistakes.

Today, I was picking up broken glass. Literally.

Because I got into another car accident. Luckily both parties are not harmed and there is not major damage to my already scratched up car, and surprisingly I was not at fault this time. I don't want to get into details, but it was a bad day.

Another phone call home, the same words again, the same tears and the same answers. It seems like every mistake that puts me back a step is the same one I am always making over and over, and I can't shake it. Its like my gaurdian angel doesn't even want to sit in a car with me, so he's not even there when I'm driving. And with every mistake, my life falls apart again.

So much so, that I've become accustomed to picking up those pieces, whether their metaphorical, or literal pieces of glass.

But today I learned something. It was the in the concern of my friends, who worried about me, hugged me, made me smile, or listened to me talk. It was in the concern of my parents, and the way they jumped up ready to fix this new problem without a second thought, or a word of anger or frustration. It was in the "Don't worry too much about it" and the "Are you okay?" s from everyone I love. It was in the cop who watched me cry and said, "tell your parents that they call it an accident for a reason..."

In all of this I saw that I didn't have to pick up the broken glass by myself. That there will always be people around who, when life shatters, stop what their doing to help you reassemble yourself. Why we do this we will never know. Only God knows why it is that our capacity to love is much greater than we could ever imagine. We as human beings are flawed, imperfect, and blemished... But we as humans beings can love with compassion, strength, beauty, and perfection. It is this agape that makes us turn around when we hear glass shatter. It makes us forget what we were thinking about if only for a moment, to pick up a piece and hand it back to someone who dropped it.

I am forever grateful to everyone who picks up my pieces, and they don't have to be told that I fall apart often. I think that's why they're always looking out for the next sign of an accident, whether its in a car, or somewhere else, keeping an eye on me in case they have to catch me. I hope they know the love they have shown me does not go unnoticed, but it is instead locked away deep in my heart, waiting to help if anyone else needs help picking up their broken glass.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Love... Its what makes the world go round.

One of my favorite memories is of my younger brother Joel. He was about 7 or 8 at the time, and it still amazes me to this day how someone so young could be so scholarly. My sister was singing some song that went something like "Love, it makes the world go round...", and my brother turned and looked at her, saying "Actually Sarah, gravity makes the world go around."

I will never forget that, and I will never forget how hard I laughed, but the thing I will always remember is how wrong he was. Not scientifically, but in every other aspect, love really is the leading factor in why this world is still functioning.

Why? What stops people from pulling a trigger every time something goes wrong? Love.

Maybe it doesn't stop everyone, but the world is not in total anarchal chaos because some of us step back, take a deep breath, and see human beings as something more than target practice. And this, my friends is all due to love.

I have never been in love with someone else. Not in the way society looks at love anyway... And I don' t think I will be for a long time, not until I'm ready for a committment like that. Because love is something more than that feeling of butterflies, or the constant need to be around someone. Love delves deeper into the soul, an absolute surrender to someone other than yourself. To give everything you have in order to make someone else happy. Love is to be willing to give as much as your own life to save someone else. And as of now, there is only one person I know who has done something like that for me.

I want to be in love right now. But not in love with just anyone, in love with my savior. He longs and yearns for us to love him as much as he loves us, to give all our attention and our very lives to him. If you have ever experienced love in a relationship, you have experienced the love that Christ has for us. The absolute need to have that person's love in return, and the absolute sorrow when they do not fulfill that need. I want to be in love with Christ.

Its so hard these days to give up everything we have to serve him, but to think that he gave up everything he was to save us, makes my excuses meaningless. Why can I not give this love back, this absolute longing he has for me always goes unnoticed. I take it for granted that someone has died for me, and why? Because I am a human being that has more flaws than I care to count. And he still loves me anyway.

This love that gave him the reason for his sacrifice is inexplainable. My words are meaningless dots on a page. It's something you have to experience, something I see everyday in the actions, words, and just pure love of my family and friends, and its that love that keeps me here, its that love that keeps my world turning.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The time in between

Back to school, back to the dorms, back to structured life.

I walked in and I almost cried. My first thought? Why the hell did I do this to myself? There was a memory in every corner, down every hallway, sitting in every chair, and in every room. Each one made a deeper cut into my heart, causing more pain then I thought it would. I can't think straight, because it seems like every second I'm occupied with noticing places and things that remind me of last year. Its bringing the reality that everything has changed back to the surface.

I have never been afraid of change, in fact I am the kind of person who embraces and actually desires change. I can never be in the same place and schedule for more than a few months, and I can never sit still for more than ten minutes. But this time, I'm finding it a little harder to accept.

Its strange how everything can change in one summer. William Carlos Williams said, "In Summer, the song sings itself." That could not be more true. What I thought I had control over, completely took hold of itself. This summer was supposed to hold so many things. I was supposed to lose weight, finish my book, and work as much as possible. I left no room for fun, friends, or anything that would make me remotely happy. And it also left no room for anything that would make me sad. But it wasn't living. This summer, I lived.

And now... Now that I'm back, I am forced to remember things that I had chosen to forget. I am facing my fears, and living with old skeletons that had been pushed into the back of the closet. Every single time I retell what happened this summer, to those who do not yet know and deserve to find out, it creeps back into my mind like a virus that will never leave. I am haunted by a memory, and I am completely alone.

Those were my feelings when I stepped back into B building on that day. I breathed it in, and it all came flooding back. A mixture of memories leading to a bittersweet end. Every single one of us affected each other in some different, and mostly strange way. When you come to a completely new life, the people you attach yourself to first are the ones who have the most impact. They will, for better or for worse, change you. And it is because of this, that I will always remember that time. We are all linked by this secret, one hidden deep inside that summer, buried away behind the beach trips and late nights, one we don't want to remember, but always will. There is an unspoken grief, no one wants to mention aloud, that lingers all around these halls. Yet we all know, we all remember. I know this feeling is mutual for everyone else who stepped into this building once again on that day. I can see it in their eyes, and I know they see it in mine.

I am different, everything is different, and everyone here is different. and it hurts to see it all in front of me, something I chose not to think about until I could see it. Sometimes when its quiet, and I have a moment to breath in the silence, I think about how we were, how we are now, but mostly, about the time in between. So many things brought us all to this point, and for some reason, a reason which has been mapped out by someone much higher than ourselves, we are all back here, together, in the same spot with different lives. That is the only positive. We don't have to face it alone.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

summer days drifting away

The summer is over.

This is a fact that I only just realized a few days ago. I was at Barnes and Noble before work, buying a planner in an attempt to organize my life. I'm a list person, always have to have my tasks out in front of me, because in the next second I will forget what I have to do. This stems from a constant personality trait of living in the moment. I'm here one minute then over here the next, constantly moving and changing in an endless circle of ups and downs. But as I was buying this planner, finding one that was perfect for my hectic life and large sloppy handwriting, I opened it to the first page. It started with August 1st 2010. I was immediately upset, wondering what in the world I was going to use to organize my life until August first, when I stopped and realized that it was actually August tenth, and we were not in July anymore. This fact hit me like a slap in the back of the head, as I realized the beginning of school was only a mere 20 days away. And of course, as it tends to happen, images of the past summer flashed before my eyes, set to "Wouldn't it be nice" by the Beach Boys.

There was grief, there was sorrow, and a fair amount of tears. But there was also laughter, love and life. I did not understand at first why it was that God had thrown everything at me like that at one time. I have realized in this past summer, that I am blessed beyond belief with the opportunities that I have been given. To be in this place, to be able to look out the front door and see the ocean stretching in front of me, like a shimmering blue blanket covering half the world. Or to have friends who will offer everything they have just to save me gas money, or drop what they're doing so that I can have a shoulder to cry on.

This summer has humbled me more than I can say. Living so far away has forced me to rely on others more than I ever have in my life, and independent Felicity is finally getting a break. The girl who never accepts charity is giving in and letting others take care of her. And in return, I have never taken care of others more than I have in the past couple months. Often times people take advantage of me, because of my inability to use the word "No"; however, surrending myself to the needs of others has become a blessing rather than a chore. This summer taught me that.

It is absolutely amazing the timing God chooses to let people in and out of your life. I once heard a movie character say that life is like a television show. Where we are the stars of our own show, constant, never changing, and the supporting roles flit in and out like butterflies. I cannot say how true this is. A few months ago, I lived my life based on the supporting characters, forgetting who the star of my show was, and also who the director was. God. Because in the end, my show will have had only those two constant figures. God took away two roles this summer. Two people that left torn holes and chafed scars on my heart. But yet he filled those empty spaces with even more characters, ones who taught me how to love without prejudice, live with self confidence, and never give up on what I wanted.

Those who left me taught me what the words "I miss you" really meant, along with the meaning of unconditional love. Because of these experiences I have matured more than I can say, and this coming year is holding so much more that I cannot yet see. I live it for God as always, and even more so knowing what I now know about the world and about myself. My Uncle gave me the best advice so far, something I have always known yet had somehow forgotten in my distraction several weeks ago.I had forgotten prayer. "You're a rescuer Felicity..." He had said. "You want to save everyone. But remember, you never have to rescue alone." These words hit me, because I had forgotten to ask for help. I was so consumed by my ability to take care of myself that I had forgotten that I wasn't really taking care of anything, God was.

So I surrendered. And it was so reassuring to crawl back into the arms that would keep me safe, and would wipe away my tears. And those arms are always there, hovering over me, the rainbow after the storm. So I'm ready for the summer to end, and for the rest of my life to begin, wherever he chooses to take me.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

This is home.

I drove home a few days ago, and an hour and a half car ride has never felt so long. I haven't been home, really home, since Christmas vacation, and the thought of the comforting warm embrace of that familiar blue house, the fourth one on the left, was all I ever needed.

There is such a relief I feel in being in that house, in seeing my parents taking care of everything. It means I no longer have to worry, or stress, they are there to make it all better. They may only be the band-aid over my responsibilities, but at least its a comfort, if only for a moment.

As I was driving, little things began to happen as the start of my transition back into the Antelope Valley. It happens every time, and each small moment means I'm one step closer to that little blue house. First, The Fish Radio Station goes out, and I have to turn the dial to 95.1, the station I grew up listening to, Air 1. I smiled for the first time on my drive, I never realized how much I really missed the music.

Then, as the freeway thinned out and I coasted onto the 14, the beatiful scenery disappeared, and was replaced by the familiar tumbleweeds and tall mountains covered in brown grass and weeds. If you stuck your head out the window you would notice the change in the air, as if the moisture had been sucked out, leaving the air around you thinner, and harder to digest, except for those who already know how. I put my head out the window anyway, and breathed it in, letting the sun warm my face, just before it disappeared behind a mountain.

My favorite part of the drive however, is just before you hit the first Palmdale exit, and you see the city for the first time. I always try to time my drives home just for this moment, when the sun is finally gone, but its still early enough that everyone is still awake. Just as you make that sharp turn, if you look towards your right you can see almost the entire antelope valley stretched out in front of you, in a burst of light and color. Beneath you, only a cookie cutter little city, its light's span for what seems like miles, like a million tiny fireflies clustering together, twinkling in the moonlight. Next to it, is the lake. In the dark its an inky indigo that sparkles with the lights, lying flat and still. It reminds me of the old trampoline we used to have, that lay taut unless we were sitting on it of course, rippling the surface.

It gave me so much comfort, that I thought I might cry. The kind of happiness you feel when your bubbling so much under the surface you just have to let it out. But when I finally pulled into the little blue house, the fourth on on the left, and came up the walk to open the door, welcomed by screams of "Felic! Felic is here!" Thats when I was finally home.