Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Yesterday, I didn't feel anything.

It's been like that for a while now actually, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was the stupid book job, everything piling up at once, or that everything I have been ignoring and saying didn't bother me was finally starting to.

But this morning as I was walking to the Rec center after my music test, I started to cry. It was cool outside, and the sky was covered with a beautiful grey blanket of clouds, and all of a sudden, I felt a tug in my heart, like that physical pull you get when you get nervous or scared. And then the tears just came.

I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad, maybe it was the fact that I had just aced a test I thought I would fail, or that I remembered again that I am completely alone, or maybe all of it at once, and the realization that I was actually feeling SOMETHING it didn't matter what it was.

I don't know what happened to me these past few weeks. I wasn't myself. Maybe sometimes I'm crazy and ditzy and clumsy and mean and loud and a little bit too over the top... but at least I lived big. I take pride in that. But I've lost my passion somewhere along the way. I used to care about things, put everything I had into what I loved. But now I don't bother.

I think today was the first step in getting back into myself. I have a feeling its going to take a while, cause when I live I live big, and when I fall I fall hard. But I pick myself up, no matter how long it takes, and maybe I'll find what I lost along the way. Maybe...

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