Not only did I grow up, but something in me changed. I look at the same old places, the same house, the same dorm, the same rooms, streets, and campus, but I see them differently now. I look at my friends and my family, thinking everything's different, when really its just me. Its like watching a movie when you already know the ending, suddenly everything's clear, you notice things you didn't before, like your eyes are opened and you're not jumping into your life blind.
God opened my eyes this year, he opened them through my family, my parents who are the most amazing people I know, through my friends the ones who left, the ones who came back, and the ones I just met. He taught me to love like its the last day because you never know when those will sneak up on you. He taught me not just to talk but to listen, to control my emotions, and that sometimes being the a little crazy is okay. He taught me that I am strong, I always have been, and that the way I live my life is hard, but he wouldn't have given it to me if he knew I could not handle it. Because living big means you fall hard, and he taught me how to get back up again.
God gave me the tools to become a woman, something I thought I was but in reality I had no idea what I was doing. He tested me, taught me lessons and let me teach some of my own, but still humbled me because I have so much more to learn.
This was the year I crashed figuratively and literally, the year I hated and loved myself all at once, the year he took people away from me because I needed to learn who I was without them, the year he showed me that I am a leader, and he made me that way.
I laughed harder, and cried more tears than I ever have. My heart broke with sorrow, and burst with happiness, I lost my temper and I swallowed my pride.
Everything that has happened has made me who I am at this moment, and this year has been packed with memories, the realization that life is short and yet so so long, the hardest parts of growing up.
And at the end of it all, I hit the ground, because even through everything, the strongest and toughest girls still fall. I learned a lesson from myself this year too, I am breakable, and even though I don't break easy it happens. I'm slowly picking myself up, and maybe by next year I can say that I made it through one of the hardest, loneliest points. I don't know how to fix myself, and I guess thats a part of learning, is finding out on your own how to solve the puzzle, because no one else can help you with your own life.
So now after 2010, I'm looking ahead because there is so much more to go, and so much more to say. Everything I didn't say still hangs over my head, all the I love yous that never made it past my lips, even though they were in my heart. I'm still confused and I still have a long way to go, but right now I'm just living in the moment like I always have, and hope God will take me where I need to go. Maybe by the end of 2011 I can say I am content, instead of drowning.
To you, you who deserved more from me, I am sorry I let you down. I am selfish and when you needed me I ran away. I will miss you more than you know and I will never forgive myself. To those who listen to me, and see all of me I am sorry for the hurt I cause when I lose myself in the sting of anger. And thank you for your wisdom and your time, I could not do anything without you. To my best friends, I'm sorry I forgot to ask for help, and I'm sorry I didn't help as much as I should have. I am selfish and cruel, yet you love me anyways, and even though none of you are near me you still take the time to be there when I need you. To my brothers, never grow up because your innocence and blind love gives me the strength to love myself. You are perfection because you see the world that way. To my sister, don't make my mistakes, you are so much more than you see yourself. To my brother, I hope you find what you're looking for, and know I am always on the other side of the mountains. To my parents, thank you, and I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter that I should have been. To my friends, my faith family, my brothers and my sisters... you are God to me, and without you I would lose myself.
and God, thank you for your lessons, your love, your wisdom, my life, and this year.
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