Thursday, March 3, 2011

Sometimes if we don't get it, he waves it in front of our faces.

I met an angel once.

She told me that someone I knew was struggling, but that it was going to be okay. And to tell the person, closest to this person who was struggling, that they didn't need to worry anymore.

and then she walked out of my life as suddenly as she had entered it.

Monday, February 21, 2011

If I knew then.

Its been seven years, and I remember every detail of that day vividly and yet cloudy, as if it were a recurring dream stuck replaying in my head on an endless loop.

As soon as my dad said those words, "killed in a car crash", everything afterwards is only short clips of moments that passed, like pictures on a reel going around, they flash in front of my eyes and then crash together into a million pieces until I close them because I don't want to remember.

After that i forgot about him. I flushed every memory out of my mind because it was too painful to think about, too painful to remember, too heart wrenching and guilt ridden to think that I hadn't paid attention in those last few precious moments I had with him.

But every once in a while, when it comes back to the surface I remember. Sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry, but I always always say a prayer. I can still see you sitting on the couch next to me, and I can still hear you whispering that I was your favorite, and not to tell anyone. I can still hear you laughing when I asked you about Chi's dreadlocks, and I can still see you arguing about religion with your brothers while we sat and listened even though we didn't understand. And then I start to remember not even talking to you at the wedding, the last time I ever saw you. I remember getting older, forgetting that you were there because I had more "important" things to think about, and I remember that they didn't even matter.

If I knew then what I know now, that seven years later I would still regret not telling you that day that I loved you, that you would always be my favorite, then I would have changed it all. I'm still sorry, and every time I whisper it in my prayers its the most heartfelt sorry I have ever said.

I wish that you could see me now, I know you would be proud. Because its seven years later, and even though I will never know who you would have been, I hope your watching me and who I have become.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Don't Blame Yourself - Andrew Belle

Its Valentine's day.

For the first time in a long time, I am NOT thinking about you. I don't miss you, you're not in my thoughts, I'm not dwelling on what could have been, or wondering what you're doing at this moment. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I used to think that it was your fault, that you were keeping me in this hold, locked to a ball and chain, and you tightened the grip every time you said something that made me melt and wonder if it was real. But I was being naive. Maybe you did lead me on, and maybe you played with my heart too much, but I was never strong enough to not let you. I have blamed you too long for my weakness, and its time to let go and realize that if I want things to change I have to change them myself.

I was thinking about this today, when it hit me. Why did I need to feel this way? Why did I need to hold tightly to something that wasn't real, and that was never going to change? I don't deserve that, I never have. I am who I am, and I want someone who will love me, crazy and all, not someone who drags me along, letting me search for solace in a daydream.

Maybe you won't change, maybe you will never realize how you hurt, but the most important thing is that I have changed, and that I have realized it. You were never strong enough, and I feel sorry for you. Because I am strong enough, and I am so much better than you deserve, because I love me, and you never could.

And that someone who is deserves me is out there, and he won't find me right away, of that I am certain, but he'll get there, and when he does, I know I'll be ready to be loved like never before, and he will deserve everything I have to give. Andrew Belle said it best, I need someone to be someone better than you in my life. and I thank God for letting me lean that all on my own, because I am that much stronger now.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

An Attempt for unattainable perfection...

I think it's interesting how everyone loves New Years because they think its a "fresh start".... but its not like everything you did in 2010 just disappears. You're not "starting over", you're just "still going".

If we had to start over every year, that would be horrible. I love my memories, the sorrowful and the wonderful, and erasing them with a fresh start isn't living life its attempting perfection. And then we end up in a repetitive cycle of hoping that MAYBE this year will be better than the last, and then we forget that maybe, just maybe it doesn't really matter.

So have fun in this imperfect crazy year where you will do an equal amount of stupid and amazing things as you did last year. And don't forget them.