Monday, February 21, 2011

If I knew then.

Its been seven years, and I remember every detail of that day vividly and yet cloudy, as if it were a recurring dream stuck replaying in my head on an endless loop.

As soon as my dad said those words, "killed in a car crash", everything afterwards is only short clips of moments that passed, like pictures on a reel going around, they flash in front of my eyes and then crash together into a million pieces until I close them because I don't want to remember.

After that i forgot about him. I flushed every memory out of my mind because it was too painful to think about, too painful to remember, too heart wrenching and guilt ridden to think that I hadn't paid attention in those last few precious moments I had with him.

But every once in a while, when it comes back to the surface I remember. Sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry, but I always always say a prayer. I can still see you sitting on the couch next to me, and I can still hear you whispering that I was your favorite, and not to tell anyone. I can still hear you laughing when I asked you about Chi's dreadlocks, and I can still see you arguing about religion with your brothers while we sat and listened even though we didn't understand. And then I start to remember not even talking to you at the wedding, the last time I ever saw you. I remember getting older, forgetting that you were there because I had more "important" things to think about, and I remember that they didn't even matter.

If I knew then what I know now, that seven years later I would still regret not telling you that day that I loved you, that you would always be my favorite, then I would have changed it all. I'm still sorry, and every time I whisper it in my prayers its the most heartfelt sorry I have ever said.

I wish that you could see me now, I know you would be proud. Because its seven years later, and even though I will never know who you would have been, I hope your watching me and who I have become.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Don't Blame Yourself - Andrew Belle

Its Valentine's day.

For the first time in a long time, I am NOT thinking about you. I don't miss you, you're not in my thoughts, I'm not dwelling on what could have been, or wondering what you're doing at this moment. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I used to think that it was your fault, that you were keeping me in this hold, locked to a ball and chain, and you tightened the grip every time you said something that made me melt and wonder if it was real. But I was being naive. Maybe you did lead me on, and maybe you played with my heart too much, but I was never strong enough to not let you. I have blamed you too long for my weakness, and its time to let go and realize that if I want things to change I have to change them myself.

I was thinking about this today, when it hit me. Why did I need to feel this way? Why did I need to hold tightly to something that wasn't real, and that was never going to change? I don't deserve that, I never have. I am who I am, and I want someone who will love me, crazy and all, not someone who drags me along, letting me search for solace in a daydream.

Maybe you won't change, maybe you will never realize how you hurt, but the most important thing is that I have changed, and that I have realized it. You were never strong enough, and I feel sorry for you. Because I am strong enough, and I am so much better than you deserve, because I love me, and you never could.

And that someone who is deserves me is out there, and he won't find me right away, of that I am certain, but he'll get there, and when he does, I know I'll be ready to be loved like never before, and he will deserve everything I have to give. Andrew Belle said it best, I need someone to be someone better than you in my life. and I thank God for letting me lean that all on my own, because I am that much stronger now.