Monday, February 14, 2011

Don't Blame Yourself - Andrew Belle

Its Valentine's day.

For the first time in a long time, I am NOT thinking about you. I don't miss you, you're not in my thoughts, I'm not dwelling on what could have been, or wondering what you're doing at this moment. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I used to think that it was your fault, that you were keeping me in this hold, locked to a ball and chain, and you tightened the grip every time you said something that made me melt and wonder if it was real. But I was being naive. Maybe you did lead me on, and maybe you played with my heart too much, but I was never strong enough to not let you. I have blamed you too long for my weakness, and its time to let go and realize that if I want things to change I have to change them myself.

I was thinking about this today, when it hit me. Why did I need to feel this way? Why did I need to hold tightly to something that wasn't real, and that was never going to change? I don't deserve that, I never have. I am who I am, and I want someone who will love me, crazy and all, not someone who drags me along, letting me search for solace in a daydream.

Maybe you won't change, maybe you will never realize how you hurt, but the most important thing is that I have changed, and that I have realized it. You were never strong enough, and I feel sorry for you. Because I am strong enough, and I am so much better than you deserve, because I love me, and you never could.

And that someone who is deserves me is out there, and he won't find me right away, of that I am certain, but he'll get there, and when he does, I know I'll be ready to be loved like never before, and he will deserve everything I have to give. Andrew Belle said it best, I need someone to be someone better than you in my life. and I thank God for letting me lean that all on my own, because I am that much stronger now.

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