To you, my 2010

This year is almost over, and thinking back I don't think I have ever had a year as influential as this one.

Not only did I grow up, but something in me changed. I look at the same old places, the same house, the same dorm, the same rooms, streets, and campus, but I see them differently now. I look at my friends and my family, thinking everything's different, when really its just me. Its like watching a movie when you already know the ending, suddenly everything's clear, you notice things you didn't before, like your eyes are opened and you're not jumping into your life blind.

God opened my eyes this year, he opened them through my family, my parents who are the most amazing people I know, through my friends the ones who left, the ones who came back, and the ones I just met. He taught me to love like its the last day because you never know when those will sneak up on you. He taught me not just to talk but to listen, to control my emotions, and that sometimes being the a little crazy is okay. He taught me that I am strong, I always have been, and that the way I live my life is hard, but he wouldn't have given it to me if he knew I could not handle it. Because living big means you fall hard, and he taught me how to get back up again.

God gave me the tools to become a woman, something I thought I was but in reality I had no idea what I was doing. He tested me, taught me lessons and let me teach some of my own, but still humbled me because I have so much more to learn.

This was the year I crashed figuratively and literally, the year I hated and loved myself all at once, the year he took people away from me because I needed to learn who I was without them, the year he showed me that I am a leader, and he made me that way.

I laughed harder, and cried more tears than I ever have. My heart broke with sorrow, and burst with happiness, I lost my temper and I swallowed my pride.

Everything that has happened has made me who I am at this moment, and this year has been packed with memories, the realization that life is short and yet so so long, the hardest parts of growing up.

And at the end of it all, I hit the ground, because even through everything, the strongest and toughest girls still fall. I learned a lesson from myself this year too, I am breakable, and even though I don't break easy it happens. I'm slowly picking myself up, and maybe by next year I can say that I made it through one of the hardest, loneliest points. I don't know how to fix myself, and I guess thats a part of learning, is finding out on your own how to solve the puzzle, because no one else can help you with your own life.

So now after 2010, I'm looking ahead because there is so much more to go, and so much more to say. Everything I didn't say still hangs over my head, all the I love yous that never made it past my lips, even though they were in my heart. I'm still confused and I still have a long way to go, but right now I'm just living in the moment like I always have, and hope God will take me where I need to go. Maybe by the end of 2011 I can say I am content, instead of drowning.

To you, you who deserved more from me, I am sorry I let you down. I am selfish and when you needed me I ran away. I will miss you more than you know and I will never forgive myself. To those who listen to me, and see all of me I am sorry for the hurt I cause when I lose myself in the sting of anger. And thank you for your wisdom and your time, I could not do anything without you. To my best friends, I'm sorry I forgot to ask for help, and I'm sorry I didn't help as much as I should have. I am selfish and cruel, yet you love me anyways, and even though none of you are near me you still take the time to be there when I need you. To my brothers, never grow up because your innocence and blind love gives me the strength to love myself. You are perfection because you see the world that way. To my sister, don't make my mistakes, you are so much more than you see yourself. To my brother, I hope you find what you're looking for, and know I am always on the other side of the mountains. To my parents, thank you, and I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter that I should have been. To my friends, my faith family, my brothers and my sisters... you are God to me, and without you I would lose myself.

and God, thank you for your lessons, your love, your wisdom, my life, and this year.

Magic

This was my first Christmas away from home, and up until now it has been horrible.

I miss the biscotti and cocoa, the fire, the laughs and inside jokes, the tiny tree and the kris kringle gifts that we always try to guess and always get wrong. I even miss the fights and the anger that always comes from someone who pouts, usually me.

This morning as I watched my cousins open their presents, I thought back to all those Christmases, when there was magic in the air in my mother's christmas CD we knew all the words too because we played it every year, in the decorations, the homemade ornaments that made our tree unique, different from anyone elses. When we felt the glow and excitement of waking up in the morning to find presents under the tree. It was almost like every Christmas everyone got along perfectly, because everyone was happy.

The thing I remembered most was the presents, especially the ones my parents got for us all to share, those were the most expensive. But it wasn't about the stuff anymore, and now I realize why it was okay to them to break their backs working and spend all their money to bring us something worthwhile. It was the look on our faces, the same look I now see in my brother's faces as they open their gifts. It was the chorus of thank yous, and the fact that this year was going to be a little bit easier, funner, or better because of what they gave us.

I still remember every gift, and now thinking back I can recall why it was that we got them. The thought put into each present choice was apparent, and the love that went into giving I still see today. Whether it was the portable DVD player that made our long drives bearable, the scooters that made playing outside and taking long rides more fun, or the bean bags that we used in front of the TV, and even as toys to throw at each other and put on our heads to pretend we were mushrooms. I have a memory with each of those gifts, and many more, but it was never about the thing itself, even when I was a kid.

I will be eternally grateful for everything that I have been given this year and the years before. I used to complain that I never had what other kids did, lots of money and cool stuff, a big house, my own room. But now I realize I have so much more than that. I have a family thats big and crazy and loves me, I have parents that are still together that will do anything even if they can't afford it just so I can be happy and have a good life. I have a father that works so hard and still will drive to Long Beach if I need something simple. A mother who talks to me for hours, buys me food and always asks what I need when I go home. An older brother who will drive as much as he needs just to see me before Christmas, and will hang out with me over hanging out with friends. A sister who admires and looks up to me, and is my best friend through thick and thin, one I trust with my life and my secrets. And two little brothers who miss me and shower me with love and kisses and homemade gifts whenever I go home.

God gave me this, and I have had it every Christmas since the day I was born. The magic of Christmas, although it isn't the same anymore, is still there, and being on the other side and watching children open gifts instead of having others watch me, has been an enormous blessing in disguise. Because the stuff doesn't matter, its the love that came with my parents giving everything they had to make us happy.

Christmas for me now isn't about getting, its about sacrifice. And God sacrificed everything he had for the greatest gift of all, eternal life. I see God in my family even more than I ever have, and having them in my life is better than any gift I could ever give or get, because without them I would not be who I am today, without them I cannot imagine how life would even be worth it. So all I want for Christmas this year, is the magic of home.

Yesterday, I didn't feel anything.

It's been like that for a while now actually, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was the stupid book job, everything piling up at once, or that everything I have been ignoring and saying didn't bother me was finally starting to.

But this morning as I was walking to the Rec center after my music test, I started to cry. It was cool outside, and the sky was covered with a beautiful grey blanket of clouds, and all of a sudden, I felt a tug in my heart, like that physical pull you get when you get nervous or scared. And then the tears just came.

I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad, maybe it was the fact that I had just aced a test I thought I would fail, or that I remembered again that I am completely alone, or maybe all of it at once, and the realization that I was actually feeling SOMETHING it didn't matter what it was.

I don't know what happened to me these past few weeks. I wasn't myself. Maybe sometimes I'm crazy and ditzy and clumsy and mean and loud and a little bit too over the top... but at least I lived big. I take pride in that. But I've lost my passion somewhere along the way. I used to care about things, put everything I had into what I loved. But now I don't bother.

I think today was the first step in getting back into myself. I have a feeling its going to take a while, cause when I live I live big, and when I fall I fall hard. But I pick myself up, no matter how long it takes, and maybe I'll find what I lost along the way. Maybe...

I'm screaming.

can you hear it?

scream.

There are moments... when the world is quiet, and nothing moves... you look around, and you're completely and utterly, alone.

most of the time, when I am literally alone, I don't always feel it. And then there are times when I am figuratively alone. Those are the times I feel it the most.

It could just be a bad day, something lost in translation, or not even translated at all. Or it could just be all in my head.

Its a feeling that comes when you realize that the feelings that you have will never be reciprocated, and your the only one in the world it seems that knows whats going on in your head. When everything you thought you knew is wrong, and everything you wished would be wrong, is right. Everything spins and nothing makes sense, and then we scream because we want SOMEONE to hear us.

Its a selfish feeling. The realization, that even God has other people to love. And that you, don't have anyone.

To Move Mountains

Tonight I arrived 15 minutes early to mass, and after a chat with a little girl from the children's choir as we waited in line for the bathroom, I sat down in the pew, listening to the sound of music from the loft, and reading the Sunday readings.

I sat there for a while, just thinking and enjoying the music. As the children's choir began to leave with their parents, I watched the small girl from the bathroom walk past me to the exit of the church, pulling on her sweater and walking briskly in front of her father. I watched as the girl stepped up to the tabernacle and knelt to pray, bowing her head and closing her eyes. Then after making the sign of the cross, she exited the church, carefully dipping her finger in the bowl to get some holy water. Her father, did nothing but walk out.

It made me sad to see this. The innocence and faith of the young has always inspired me, but what happened to the enthusiasm of the old?

As I watched them leave I vowed never to let myself get to that point, never to forget the importance of my faith, and the meaning it holds in my life now. I never want to lose that peace of mind that comes with knowing Christ is always with you, and everything that comes with that. I realized though, that I do forget, all the time. If it wasn't for God's little reminders, the moments of peace before mass, or the sound of children singing, and little chats in the line for the bathroom, then we would all just forget, and let chaos rule our lives 24 hours of the day.

Earlier today, I had sunk right back into my crazy hectic life. After a weekend of escape, nothing in the real world had changed, and I was thrust back into stress and work, without any rest. I remember thinking for a brief moment when my mind was not otherwise preoccupied, that it did not seem fair to have to jump right back into chaos, as if nothing had changed, while my heart was so different. It was like I was wrenched away from my peace with God, and put straight back into the fray of humanity.

But for that one moment before mass I was all right. I was back there, I was happy and peaceful. Even if it was just for that one moment. It was as if God was giving me this peace, to remind me that everything I do, I do it for those moments, no matter how small. And that I do it, so that other people can experience it as well, and find the happiness and peace that can only be found in his arms.

I need these moments to survive, these reminders to keep living and breathing for him, and him alone. If I didn't have them, I would probably end up just like that girl's father, who sees no meaning in entering a church, or passing the blessed sacrament on his way out.

I want the innocence of a child, every minute of the day, the simplistic life that allows you to follow blindly. Only children have the capacity to have faith that can move mountains, because their minds are never filled with doubts about what they are taught. It's in those peaceful moments I am brought back to my childhood, and it's those moments that keep me focused on God.

when hearts are green...

I feel as though I should write a post....

but I'm just so tired.

and there are no words to describe what I feel.

Only God can make a girl who never stops talking, speechless.