The Nightmare of Ourselves

Its Halloween, and do you know what I just did? I watched the shining for the first time in my life. Bad idea. Although now I understand why people like to walk around wagging their pointer finger saying "redrum" in a creepy voice, regardless, I was scared shitless. Let me rephrase... I AM scared shitless. And now I can't sleep.

Why is it that people love Halloween so much? I have always wondered why it was that this holiday holds a certain intrigue for most people, one that I cannot say I have ever shared. Sure its fun to pretend, to dress up as something you're not that you have always wished to be, and pretend that you don't really want to be an Avatar, or a stripper cop, but that its Halloween and so its okay that you are.

But the real reason in my mind is the concept of fear. It's a thrill for people to scare themselves so badly that they can't leave the covers, but why?

Its because fear is physical. Its not a feeling you just have in your gut, or an emotion that makes you cry. You feel it in your very soul, it rips at your insides and pounds at your heart. People seek fear because, maybe, they just want to feel alive. If just for that one moment, you can actually feel your heart beating, its almost like you know that you're still there, that you still matter. That you can still feel something and your heart is racing and your hands are sweaty and all of a sudden you're aware of your breathing.

There are few emotions that can give you this feeling. Maybe its because we're always searching for answers about life, that we forget sometimes to live in the moment, and it is only then that we truly live. We look at our schedules and follow our clocks so often, that when something creeps up from behind to scare us, it jolts us awake, reminding us that we're not robots.

I think maybe thats why I seek fear. Why I have been waiting for something to show me that I'm not a walking statue. Sometimes I think I lose myself along the way, I forget the importance of love and compassion, and just a sense of where I belong. Sometimes I go so long without that physical feeling of emotion, the one that tears at your heart with a searing pain that cannot be described, that I wonder for a moment if I will ever be able to feel it again. That maybe, these thoughts in my head are merely automatic, devoid of emotion, and bordering on the mechanical. But then something comes along to jolt me awake, hit my heart, and make me feel it.

Its the physical emotion that keeps people guessing, keeps people searching. And when you have the fortunate moment where you discover it, hold onto it a little while, listen to your heartbeat, and remember for a second who you are and try to live up to that. Maybe Halloween isn't such a bad holiday. We all need a little scare now and then.

Anyways, Happy Halloween.

And the world ends.

Today, we ran out of decaf coffee.

Normally decaffienated is not the most popular kind of coffee, and why it even exists stumps me to this day. the point of coffee is to keep you awake, so why would you take out the very ingredient that makes that possible?

But rules about coffee aside, having run out the same day a guest at my work just happened to be wantin' some decaf, I was in for major attitude control.

Its the same thing every day over and over. I'm sorry I can't do anything about the fact that there is no restroom closer to your auditorium. I know the prices are high, but I can't change them. I understand you just bought that starbucks mocha latte frapp something or other, but we have a strict no outside food and drink policy.

Today, I was the girl who ran out of decaf coffee.

Every time one of these issues arises, I get someone else griping about the unfairness of it all and wondering why the world does not revolve around them. And today, when I said, I am so sorry we don't have anymore decaf I got the same look. A restrained anger and want to lash out, because someone was going to pay. And the thing that we always seem to forget, is that those people that usually do are the ones around us, who whether we believe it or not, have nothing to do with why we didn't get our way.

We have become so spoiled and consumed with ourselves that we feel a constant need to complain about everything that isn't a part of our "plan". We forget so often that sometimes, things...just...happen. And most of the time we have no control over those things. And neither does anyone else.

Whenever I encounter someone who seems to believe that if they yell and complain enough it will somehow make them justified, I have to stop myself from instinctively wishing bad karma on them. And every time I don't get what I want, I have to take a minute to breathe and refrain myself from complaining to the person behind the counter, who is only attempting to do their job.

My manager once said, that everyone should work in a customer service job, because the world would be such a nicer place. This is true, but sad. Why do people have to experience unkindness, before they can learn to be kind? It is a paradox that makes no sense yet is an aspect of the human nature that we can never escape from. Its a lesson we all need to learn, some more than others, but a universal lesson all the same. How we choose to live, with kindness or without is entirely up to us.

The world would be a nicer place if we could all just get along. But if that were the case, what would be the point of being able to smile at someone and say, "Have a good day", and know that even though they are walking away without any decaf coffee, they will take your words to heart, and maybe just maybe... it will make them smile.

Florence, Italy

Throw me into the chaos of something new...

Picking up the pieces

Everyday we pick up the pieces of our mistakes.

Today, I was picking up broken glass. Literally.

Because I got into another car accident. Luckily both parties are not harmed and there is not major damage to my already scratched up car, and surprisingly I was not at fault this time. I don't want to get into details, but it was a bad day.

Another phone call home, the same words again, the same tears and the same answers. It seems like every mistake that puts me back a step is the same one I am always making over and over, and I can't shake it. Its like my gaurdian angel doesn't even want to sit in a car with me, so he's not even there when I'm driving. And with every mistake, my life falls apart again.

So much so, that I've become accustomed to picking up those pieces, whether their metaphorical, or literal pieces of glass.

But today I learned something. It was the in the concern of my friends, who worried about me, hugged me, made me smile, or listened to me talk. It was in the concern of my parents, and the way they jumped up ready to fix this new problem without a second thought, or a word of anger or frustration. It was in the "Don't worry too much about it" and the "Are you okay?" s from everyone I love. It was in the cop who watched me cry and said, "tell your parents that they call it an accident for a reason..."

In all of this I saw that I didn't have to pick up the broken glass by myself. That there will always be people around who, when life shatters, stop what their doing to help you reassemble yourself. Why we do this we will never know. Only God knows why it is that our capacity to love is much greater than we could ever imagine. We as human beings are flawed, imperfect, and blemished... But we as humans beings can love with compassion, strength, beauty, and perfection. It is this agape that makes us turn around when we hear glass shatter. It makes us forget what we were thinking about if only for a moment, to pick up a piece and hand it back to someone who dropped it.

I am forever grateful to everyone who picks up my pieces, and they don't have to be told that I fall apart often. I think that's why they're always looking out for the next sign of an accident, whether its in a car, or somewhere else, keeping an eye on me in case they have to catch me. I hope they know the love they have shown me does not go unnoticed, but it is instead locked away deep in my heart, waiting to help if anyone else needs help picking up their broken glass.

Love... Its what makes the world go round.

One of my favorite memories is of my younger brother Joel. He was about 7 or 8 at the time, and it still amazes me to this day how someone so young could be so scholarly. My sister was singing some song that went something like "Love, it makes the world go round...", and my brother turned and looked at her, saying "Actually Sarah, gravity makes the world go around."

I will never forget that, and I will never forget how hard I laughed, but the thing I will always remember is how wrong he was. Not scientifically, but in every other aspect, love really is the leading factor in why this world is still functioning.

Why? What stops people from pulling a trigger every time something goes wrong? Love.

Maybe it doesn't stop everyone, but the world is not in total anarchal chaos because some of us step back, take a deep breath, and see human beings as something more than target practice. And this, my friends is all due to love.

I have never been in love with someone else. Not in the way society looks at love anyway... And I don' t think I will be for a long time, not until I'm ready for a committment like that. Because love is something more than that feeling of butterflies, or the constant need to be around someone. Love delves deeper into the soul, an absolute surrender to someone other than yourself. To give everything you have in order to make someone else happy. Love is to be willing to give as much as your own life to save someone else. And as of now, there is only one person I know who has done something like that for me.

I want to be in love right now. But not in love with just anyone, in love with my savior. He longs and yearns for us to love him as much as he loves us, to give all our attention and our very lives to him. If you have ever experienced love in a relationship, you have experienced the love that Christ has for us. The absolute need to have that person's love in return, and the absolute sorrow when they do not fulfill that need. I want to be in love with Christ.

Its so hard these days to give up everything we have to serve him, but to think that he gave up everything he was to save us, makes my excuses meaningless. Why can I not give this love back, this absolute longing he has for me always goes unnoticed. I take it for granted that someone has died for me, and why? Because I am a human being that has more flaws than I care to count. And he still loves me anyway.


This love that gave him the reason for his sacrifice is inexplainable. My words are meaningless dots on a page. It's something you have to experience, something I see everyday in the actions, words, and just pure love of my family and friends, and its that love that keeps me here, its that love that keeps my world turning.

The time in between

Back to school, back to the dorms, back to structured life.

I walked in and I almost cried. My first thought? Why the hell did I do this to myself? There was a memory in every corner, down every hallway, sitting in every chair, and in every room. Each one made a deeper cut into my heart, causing more pain then I thought it would. I can't think straight, because it seems like every second I'm occupied with noticing places and things that remind me of last year. Its bringing the reality that everything has changed back to the surface.

I have never been afraid of change, in fact I am the kind of person who embraces and actually desires change. I can never be in the same place and schedule for more than a few months, and I can never sit still for more than ten minutes. But this time, I'm finding it a little harder to accept.

Its strange how everything can change in one summer. William Carlos Williams said, "In Summer, the song sings itself." That could not be more true. What I thought I had control over, completely took hold of itself. This summer was supposed to hold so many things. I was supposed to lose weight, finish my book, and work as much as possible. I left no room for fun, friends, or anything that would make me remotely happy. And it also left no room for anything that would make me sad. But it wasn't living. This summer, I lived.

And now... Now that I'm back, I am forced to remember things that I had chosen to forget. I am facing my fears, and living with old skeletons that had been pushed into the back of the closet. Every single time I retell what happened this summer, to those who do not yet know and deserve to find out, it creeps back into my mind like a virus that will never leave. I am haunted by a memory, and I am completely alone.

Those were my feelings when I stepped back into B building on that day. I breathed it in, and it all came flooding back. A mixture of memories leading to a bittersweet end. Every single one of us affected each other in some different, and mostly strange way. When you come to a completely new life, the people you attach yourself to first are the ones who have the most impact. They will, for better or for worse, change you. And it is because of this, that I will always remember that time. We are all linked by this secret, one hidden deep inside that summer, buried away behind the beach trips and late nights, one we don't want to remember, but always will. There is an unspoken grief, no one wants to mention aloud, that lingers all around these halls. Yet we all know, we all remember. I know this feeling is mutual for everyone else who stepped into this building once again on that day. I can see it in their eyes, and I know they see it in mine.

I am different, everything is different, and everyone here is different. and it hurts to see it all in front of me, something I chose not to think about until I could see it. Sometimes when its quiet, and I have a moment to breath in the silence, I think about how we were, how we are now, but mostly, about the time in between. So many things brought us all to this point, and for some reason, a reason which has been mapped out by someone much higher than ourselves, we are all back here, together, in the same spot with different lives. That is the only positive. We don't have to face it alone.

summer days drifting away

The summer is over.

This is a fact that I only just realized a few days ago. I was at Barnes and Noble before work, buying a planner in an attempt to organize my life. I'm a list person, always have to have my tasks out in front of me, because in the next second I will forget what I have to do. This stems from a constant personality trait of living in the moment. I'm here one minute then over here the next, constantly moving and changing in an endless circle of ups and downs. But as I was buying this planner, finding one that was perfect for my hectic life and large sloppy handwriting, I opened it to the first page. It started with August 1st 2010. I was immediately upset, wondering what in the world I was going to use to organize my life until August first, when I stopped and realized that it was actually August tenth, and we were not in July anymore. This fact hit me like a slap in the back of the head, as I realized the beginning of school was only a mere 20 days away. And of course, as it tends to happen, images of the past summer flashed before my eyes, set to "Wouldn't it be nice" by the Beach Boys.

There was grief, there was sorrow, and a fair amount of tears. But there was also laughter, love and life. I did not understand at first why it was that God had thrown everything at me like that at one time. I have realized in this past summer, that I am blessed beyond belief with the opportunities that I have been given. To be in this place, to be able to look out the front door and see the ocean stretching in front of me, like a shimmering blue blanket covering half the world. Or to have friends who will offer everything they have just to save me gas money, or drop what they're doing so that I can have a shoulder to cry on.

This summer has humbled me more than I can say. Living so far away has forced me to rely on others more than I ever have in my life, and independent Felicity is finally getting a break. The girl who never accepts charity is giving in and letting others take care of her. And in return, I have never taken care of others more than I have in the past couple months. Often times people take advantage of me, because of my inability to use the word "No"; however, surrending myself to the needs of others has become a blessing rather than a chore. This summer taught me that.

It is absolutely amazing the timing God chooses to let people in and out of your life. I once heard a movie character say that life is like a television show. Where we are the stars of our own show, constant, never changing, and the supporting roles flit in and out like butterflies. I cannot say how true this is. A few months ago, I lived my life based on the supporting characters, forgetting who the star of my show was, and also who the director was. God. Because in the end, my show will have had only those two constant figures. God took away two roles this summer. Two people that left torn holes and chafed scars on my heart. But yet he filled those empty spaces with even more characters, ones who taught me how to love without prejudice, live with self confidence, and never give up on what I wanted.

Those who left me taught me what the words "I miss you" really meant, along with the meaning of unconditional love. Because of these experiences I have matured more than I can say, and this coming year is holding so much more that I cannot yet see. I live it for God as always, and even more so knowing what I now know about the world and about myself. My Uncle gave me the best advice so far, something I have always known yet had somehow forgotten in my distraction several weeks ago.I had forgotten prayer. "You're a rescuer Felicity..." He had said. "You want to save everyone. But remember, you never have to rescue alone." These words hit me, because I had forgotten to ask for help. I was so consumed by my ability to take care of myself that I had forgotten that I wasn't really taking care of anything, God was.

So I surrendered. And it was so reassuring to crawl back into the arms that would keep me safe, and would wipe away my tears. And those arms are always there, hovering over me, the rainbow after the storm. So I'm ready for the summer to end, and for the rest of my life to begin, wherever he chooses to take me.