Sometimes if we don't get it, he waves it in front of our faces.

I met an angel once.

She told me that someone I knew was struggling, but that it was going to be okay. And to tell the person, closest to this person who was struggling, that they didn't need to worry anymore.

and then she walked out of my life as suddenly as she had entered it.

If I knew then.

Its been seven years, and I remember every detail of that day vividly and yet cloudy, as if it were a recurring dream stuck replaying in my head on an endless loop.

As soon as my dad said those words, "killed in a car crash", everything afterwards is only short clips of moments that passed, like pictures on a reel going around, they flash in front of my eyes and then crash together into a million pieces until I close them because I don't want to remember.

After that i forgot about him. I flushed every memory out of my mind because it was too painful to think about, too painful to remember, too heart wrenching and guilt ridden to think that I hadn't paid attention in those last few precious moments I had with him.

But every once in a while, when it comes back to the surface I remember. Sometimes I smile, and sometimes I cry, but I always always say a prayer. I can still see you sitting on the couch next to me, and I can still hear you whispering that I was your favorite, and not to tell anyone. I can still hear you laughing when I asked you about Chi's dreadlocks, and I can still see you arguing about religion with your brothers while we sat and listened even though we didn't understand. And then I start to remember not even talking to you at the wedding, the last time I ever saw you. I remember getting older, forgetting that you were there because I had more "important" things to think about, and I remember that they didn't even matter.

If I knew then what I know now, that seven years later I would still regret not telling you that day that I loved you, that you would always be my favorite, then I would have changed it all. I'm still sorry, and every time I whisper it in my prayers its the most heartfelt sorry I have ever said.

I wish that you could see me now, I know you would be proud. Because its seven years later, and even though I will never know who you would have been, I hope your watching me and who I have become.

Don't Blame Yourself - Andrew Belle

Its Valentine's day.

For the first time in a long time, I am NOT thinking about you. I don't miss you, you're not in my thoughts, I'm not dwelling on what could have been, or wondering what you're doing at this moment. For the first time in a long time, I feel free.

I used to think that it was your fault, that you were keeping me in this hold, locked to a ball and chain, and you tightened the grip every time you said something that made me melt and wonder if it was real. But I was being naive. Maybe you did lead me on, and maybe you played with my heart too much, but I was never strong enough to not let you. I have blamed you too long for my weakness, and its time to let go and realize that if I want things to change I have to change them myself.

I was thinking about this today, when it hit me. Why did I need to feel this way? Why did I need to hold tightly to something that wasn't real, and that was never going to change? I don't deserve that, I never have. I am who I am, and I want someone who will love me, crazy and all, not someone who drags me along, letting me search for solace in a daydream.

Maybe you won't change, maybe you will never realize how you hurt, but the most important thing is that I have changed, and that I have realized it. You were never strong enough, and I feel sorry for you. Because I am strong enough, and I am so much better than you deserve, because I love me, and you never could.

And that someone who is deserves me is out there, and he won't find me right away, of that I am certain, but he'll get there, and when he does, I know I'll be ready to be loved like never before, and he will deserve everything I have to give. Andrew Belle said it best, I need someone to be someone better than you in my life. and I thank God for letting me lean that all on my own, because I am that much stronger now.

An Attempt for unattainable perfection...

I think it's interesting how everyone loves New Years because they think its a "fresh start".... but its not like everything you did in 2010 just disappears. You're not "starting over", you're just "still going".

If we had to start over every year, that would be horrible. I love my memories, the sorrowful and the wonderful, and erasing them with a fresh start isn't living life its attempting perfection. And then we end up in a repetitive cycle of hoping that MAYBE this year will be better than the last, and then we forget that maybe, just maybe it doesn't really matter.

So have fun in this imperfect crazy year where you will do an equal amount of stupid and amazing things as you did last year. And don't forget them.

To you, my 2010

This year is almost over, and thinking back I don't think I have ever had a year as influential as this one.

Not only did I grow up, but something in me changed. I look at the same old places, the same house, the same dorm, the same rooms, streets, and campus, but I see them differently now. I look at my friends and my family, thinking everything's different, when really its just me. Its like watching a movie when you already know the ending, suddenly everything's clear, you notice things you didn't before, like your eyes are opened and you're not jumping into your life blind.

God opened my eyes this year, he opened them through my family, my parents who are the most amazing people I know, through my friends the ones who left, the ones who came back, and the ones I just met. He taught me to love like its the last day because you never know when those will sneak up on you. He taught me not just to talk but to listen, to control my emotions, and that sometimes being the a little crazy is okay. He taught me that I am strong, I always have been, and that the way I live my life is hard, but he wouldn't have given it to me if he knew I could not handle it. Because living big means you fall hard, and he taught me how to get back up again.

God gave me the tools to become a woman, something I thought I was but in reality I had no idea what I was doing. He tested me, taught me lessons and let me teach some of my own, but still humbled me because I have so much more to learn.

This was the year I crashed figuratively and literally, the year I hated and loved myself all at once, the year he took people away from me because I needed to learn who I was without them, the year he showed me that I am a leader, and he made me that way.

I laughed harder, and cried more tears than I ever have. My heart broke with sorrow, and burst with happiness, I lost my temper and I swallowed my pride.

Everything that has happened has made me who I am at this moment, and this year has been packed with memories, the realization that life is short and yet so so long, the hardest parts of growing up.

And at the end of it all, I hit the ground, because even through everything, the strongest and toughest girls still fall. I learned a lesson from myself this year too, I am breakable, and even though I don't break easy it happens. I'm slowly picking myself up, and maybe by next year I can say that I made it through one of the hardest, loneliest points. I don't know how to fix myself, and I guess thats a part of learning, is finding out on your own how to solve the puzzle, because no one else can help you with your own life.

So now after 2010, I'm looking ahead because there is so much more to go, and so much more to say. Everything I didn't say still hangs over my head, all the I love yous that never made it past my lips, even though they were in my heart. I'm still confused and I still have a long way to go, but right now I'm just living in the moment like I always have, and hope God will take me where I need to go. Maybe by the end of 2011 I can say I am content, instead of drowning.

To you, you who deserved more from me, I am sorry I let you down. I am selfish and when you needed me I ran away. I will miss you more than you know and I will never forgive myself. To those who listen to me, and see all of me I am sorry for the hurt I cause when I lose myself in the sting of anger. And thank you for your wisdom and your time, I could not do anything without you. To my best friends, I'm sorry I forgot to ask for help, and I'm sorry I didn't help as much as I should have. I am selfish and cruel, yet you love me anyways, and even though none of you are near me you still take the time to be there when I need you. To my brothers, never grow up because your innocence and blind love gives me the strength to love myself. You are perfection because you see the world that way. To my sister, don't make my mistakes, you are so much more than you see yourself. To my brother, I hope you find what you're looking for, and know I am always on the other side of the mountains. To my parents, thank you, and I'm sorry I wasn't the daughter that I should have been. To my friends, my faith family, my brothers and my sisters... you are God to me, and without you I would lose myself.

and God, thank you for your lessons, your love, your wisdom, my life, and this year.

Magic

This was my first Christmas away from home, and up until now it has been horrible.

I miss the biscotti and cocoa, the fire, the laughs and inside jokes, the tiny tree and the kris kringle gifts that we always try to guess and always get wrong. I even miss the fights and the anger that always comes from someone who pouts, usually me.

This morning as I watched my cousins open their presents, I thought back to all those Christmases, when there was magic in the air in my mother's christmas CD we knew all the words too because we played it every year, in the decorations, the homemade ornaments that made our tree unique, different from anyone elses. When we felt the glow and excitement of waking up in the morning to find presents under the tree. It was almost like every Christmas everyone got along perfectly, because everyone was happy.

The thing I remembered most was the presents, especially the ones my parents got for us all to share, those were the most expensive. But it wasn't about the stuff anymore, and now I realize why it was okay to them to break their backs working and spend all their money to bring us something worthwhile. It was the look on our faces, the same look I now see in my brother's faces as they open their gifts. It was the chorus of thank yous, and the fact that this year was going to be a little bit easier, funner, or better because of what they gave us.

I still remember every gift, and now thinking back I can recall why it was that we got them. The thought put into each present choice was apparent, and the love that went into giving I still see today. Whether it was the portable DVD player that made our long drives bearable, the scooters that made playing outside and taking long rides more fun, or the bean bags that we used in front of the TV, and even as toys to throw at each other and put on our heads to pretend we were mushrooms. I have a memory with each of those gifts, and many more, but it was never about the thing itself, even when I was a kid.

I will be eternally grateful for everything that I have been given this year and the years before. I used to complain that I never had what other kids did, lots of money and cool stuff, a big house, my own room. But now I realize I have so much more than that. I have a family thats big and crazy and loves me, I have parents that are still together that will do anything even if they can't afford it just so I can be happy and have a good life. I have a father that works so hard and still will drive to Long Beach if I need something simple. A mother who talks to me for hours, buys me food and always asks what I need when I go home. An older brother who will drive as much as he needs just to see me before Christmas, and will hang out with me over hanging out with friends. A sister who admires and looks up to me, and is my best friend through thick and thin, one I trust with my life and my secrets. And two little brothers who miss me and shower me with love and kisses and homemade gifts whenever I go home.

God gave me this, and I have had it every Christmas since the day I was born. The magic of Christmas, although it isn't the same anymore, is still there, and being on the other side and watching children open gifts instead of having others watch me, has been an enormous blessing in disguise. Because the stuff doesn't matter, its the love that came with my parents giving everything they had to make us happy.

Christmas for me now isn't about getting, its about sacrifice. And God sacrificed everything he had for the greatest gift of all, eternal life. I see God in my family even more than I ever have, and having them in my life is better than any gift I could ever give or get, because without them I would not be who I am today, without them I cannot imagine how life would even be worth it. So all I want for Christmas this year, is the magic of home.

Yesterday, I didn't feel anything.

It's been like that for a while now actually, and I couldn't figure out why. Maybe it was the stupid book job, everything piling up at once, or that everything I have been ignoring and saying didn't bother me was finally starting to.

But this morning as I was walking to the Rec center after my music test, I started to cry. It was cool outside, and the sky was covered with a beautiful grey blanket of clouds, and all of a sudden, I felt a tug in my heart, like that physical pull you get when you get nervous or scared. And then the tears just came.

I couldn't tell if I was happy or sad, maybe it was the fact that I had just aced a test I thought I would fail, or that I remembered again that I am completely alone, or maybe all of it at once, and the realization that I was actually feeling SOMETHING it didn't matter what it was.

I don't know what happened to me these past few weeks. I wasn't myself. Maybe sometimes I'm crazy and ditzy and clumsy and mean and loud and a little bit too over the top... but at least I lived big. I take pride in that. But I've lost my passion somewhere along the way. I used to care about things, put everything I had into what I loved. But now I don't bother.

I think today was the first step in getting back into myself. I have a feeling its going to take a while, cause when I live I live big, and when I fall I fall hard. But I pick myself up, no matter how long it takes, and maybe I'll find what I lost along the way. Maybe...